I Love You!

– Peter R.T. James – 

The late afternoon light gently filled the big bedroom with a peaceful yellow glow.

It was quiet except for the sound of birds in the trees outside and the playful humming of the little seven-year-old girl. It had been a fun Saturday morning spent playing soccer with her friends in the green fields and then helping make lunch with mommy.

They spent the afternoon filled with organizing her preferred clothing and overnight things into a single small rolling suitcase. She was utterly absorbed with the complexity of it all. She smiled as her favorite tops and pants were folded and rolled. Her young mother got up from the floor in front of a heavy wooden dresser. She walked to the bedside and dropped a pair of thick socks on top of everything else in the suitcase. Then both of them went into the walk-in closet together. The mother let her daughter pick out a light blue rain jacket and a dark red sweatshirt.

Which boots? asked her mom.

The girl looked down at the rack of fine footwear displayed before her. She picked up the dark brown ones with the red laces.

I like these! she said with excitement.

She looked up for approval and saw her mother’s face smiling down at her and smiled back with the thrill of doing the right thing. She looked around the rest of the closet and took in all the choices of color and pattern. She stared at the textures of the cloth and reviewed her picks. She turned from side to side and screwed up her face, and puckered her lips to one side. Her cheeks grew warm with all the concentration. Suddenly she decided she was good with the brown boots with red laces and sweatshirt and pretty blue rain jacket.

Ok. Mommy. I’m ready.

Sweetheart. Those are good choices. Well done.

She grinned at her patient mother and took a last glance around the closet. All the rest of her treasures would remain here nestled among her expensive leather furniture in her beautifully painted room in their upper-middle-class home. It would all be safely waiting for her in their gated community when she returned from their trip.

They went back into the bedroom once they were finished in the closet. Her suitcase lay open on the bed. She looked at her things neatly rolled and lined up in orderly rows. Mommy added the items from the closet and then took the boots and put them on the floor beside the bed. She imagined that it was a gift box just for her. She watched her mom put together an overnight kit for her with toothbrush and paste and her favorite soap and other things that might make a little girl feel more comfortable while she was away from home. She did not see her mother slip the little rubber troll doll with the purple hair into the kit.

The mother smiled at the memory of her husband coming home from that business trip to New York and presenting the gift to his daughter. The way her little face lit up that night lit up the woman’s own eyes now with its happy memory.

They finished in the bedroom and walked to the kitchen together to make a light dinner. Daddy would be back soon. They would all eat together and then get ready to leave at 6 pm sharp to catch their flight.

The little girl still had to finish the two lists her mom had told her to make. One list of everything she was packing for the trip and another list with all her friends’ names and contact information.

Her mother told her that writing things down would make them more valuable to her.

It will increase your appreciation for all the good things we share as a family.

She told her that recalling these things from memory was a good game that could lead to other good things.

Ok. I can do it now, she replied with enthusiasm.

The little girl climbed up onto one of the stools at the kitchen island with her small blue notebook and blue felt pen and began to make a list of her friends.

Her mother bustled around the big room. She pulled two cooked chicken breasts in plastic wrap from the fridge and placed them next to a cutting board. She turned back and opened the refrigerator again, and grabbed a bagged Caesar salad. She glanced at the clock over the back window and then took three plates from the sixth door of the oak cupboards and arrayed them on the countertop.

Her daughter looked up and watched as knives and forks from one of the silently sliding drawers were picked up and laid across one end of the giant granite countertop. Then napkins.

The girl’s tiny legs dangled from the edge of the stool. She broke from the list, turned a page in the notebook, and quickly wrote down everything she remembered seeing her mother put in the bathroom kit. On the next page, she wrote down what footwear, undies, and socks she could remember packing but got stuck on the rain jacket.

Was it the light blue one or the light blue one with the dark blue piping? she thought carefully.

She couldn’t remember for sure. There was so much going on getting ready for the trip. She was sure it was the light blue one. Maybe she wanted to take the other one. Then she thought she might take the purple or the black one because black would go with everything, but it wouldn’t be very colorful.

The TV had not been turned on at all again today. They seemed to be watching less and less for the last few weeks. She didn’t care or think about why that might be the case and appreciated the quiet serenity of the kitchen when it was just her and mommy hanging around together. They could hear more birds outside. Their happy chirping matched her happy state of mind.

Her mother was moving around the large pantry behind the kitchen. The little girl looked at the granite countertop beneath her notebook. She could see the tiny flecks of gold in the thick stone spark here and there momentarily as she swayed on the high stool. Her mother was still making noise in the other room, so she slid off the chair and headed back to her bedroom with notebook and pen to investigate the packed suitcase.

She carefully dug through all the folded and rolled clothing, updating and correcting her list to match what was in front of her. Then she opened her overnight kit and immediately found the troll doll. She pulled it out and held it close to her. A squeal of quiet delight burst from her throat with the realization that her mom had done this for her. She put it back quickly and decided not to list it as an item in her notebook. Then she changed her mind and thought she should record it, maybe in code or invisible ink. In the end, she just put the initials TD between comb and brush on the list. She was very pleased with herself. She felt so clever that no one else would know what it meant. She felt a rush as she realized the utility of initials. So many new ideas!

She heard the sound of the automatic garage door sounding in the distance.

Daddy’s home! She thought happily and heard her mother calling her.

She checked the bag and then her list. All appeared as it had before. Her list was complete and accurate, as far as she could tell.

She looked at herself in the large cheval glass mirror. Daddy had explained that cheval meant horse in French. She loved learning new things. The heavy mirror was called a cheval mirror because it had four legs like a horse.

She pondered this fact as she studied her full image and saw much of the room reflected behind her. She pushed at the lower edge of the mirror so that it tilted forward another inch, and then she could get a better look at her small and fragile feet, her short height, and even more of her large bedroom.

She approved of everything she saw and then trotted gaily back to the kitchen to greet her father.

The young father watched the garage door open ahead as he slowly brought the car up the long driveway into the property. He turned the new vehicle off after parking. He sat there momentarily and looked around at the expensive leather and flawless instrumentation. He ran his fingers over the walnut steering wheel and dropped his hand to the seat to feel the soft texture of the leather, breathing in deeply to take in the classic smell.

He looked out the side window and saw the tool bench across the empty parking space to his left. The shelves were full of equipment for hobbies and sports and making or fixing something. He looked at the pool floats hanging on the wall and wondered when they would be using the pool again.

He felt a wave of confusing emotions welling up inside him, so he put his hands gently on the steering wheel and closed his eyes. A few seconds passed quietly in the stillness of the garage. Then he took three purposeful deep breaths through his nose and held them each for a count of seven before slowly releasing the air through his lips. He opened his eyes and sighed with gratitude. He had control again.

The man opened the driver’s door and stepped out into the four-bay garage with his laptop bag. He looked around the warehouse-like space and saw his wife’s car in all its shiny pearl-white glory. The spot beyond that held an oversize 4×4. The rest of the vast room was clean and well-organized. He treasured every square inch of it. He sighed again and told himself how fortunate they were and to put on a good attitude for his wife and child.

Entering the laundry room between the garage and kitchen, he could hear his darling daughter calling for him.

Daddy! Daddy’s home!

He hurried past the heavy-duty washer and dryer and then the countertops and the folding wall-mounted ironing board and the sinks and spare refrigerator and entered into the happiness of his daughter’s greeting. He placed his laptop on the counter and watched her come straight over to him and throw her skinny arms around his waist. She squeezed and looked up at him and grinned.

Daddy! she cried again happily.

He put his hand softly on the back of her head and stroked her silky hair.

The little girl turned her head and watched her mother coming out of the pantry towards them. She smiled at her husband and moved directly toward both of them. The three hugged and stood in an embrace of giggles and bursts of delightful sounds from their daughter.

Dinner was a simple chicken Caesar salad that they ate in bowls together around the kitchen island. Soon they had finished eating, and the good husband quickly washed and dried the dishes and put them away. He looked around the kitchen and saw that everything was in order.

Mary will be over tomorrow then? He asked.

Yes. First thing in the morning. Gilbert will come in the afternoon to take care of everything else.

Ok, he said simply.

He walked over to his wife and held her close. He looked at her eyes and checked there and saw no fear. Her return gaze was unblinking and full of tenderness and attachment.

My brave girl, I Love You so, he whispered.

He kissed her cheek softly.

I Love You, she immediately responded and moved to press their lips together and hold him closer. They lingered in that tender kiss until the messages between them were clear.

Their perfect daughter was concentrating on her printing and did not give any attention to the intensity of her parents.

She went back down the long hallway with the arched ceilings and Italian rubbed plaster walls and into her bedroom. Now she realized that her notes matched the contents of her suitcase, but what if she listed another item that wasn’t really in the bag? It would look like it was there in the book, so then she could go and add it to the suitcase to make it real. She knew it was sort of backward logic, but it was making some sense to her, especially as a way of adding an item or two that she might miss if she left them behind. Or to get something she wanted.

What if she used her unique initials code to add the new list item? It felt thrilling to imagine that someone might read her list and wonder what the initials meant. Only she would know the secret. It was a small thing and kind of exciting to that curious seven-year-old girl.

And then it was time to go. Mommy came in through the double doors to the bedroom.

Sweetie? Are you all set?

I just have to go tinkle.

She dashed into her private bathroom.

Her mother looked over the suitcase one more time, then flipped it shut and drew the zipper around the case to seal it. She threaded the small luggage lock through the zipper pulls and snapped it shut. Then she checked the combination and spun the wheels to all zeros. She looked at her daughter’s name tag hanging from the handle in its childish pink frame.

The little girl came out of the bathroom. She gazed around the room and then at her mother.

Ok. I’m all ready now, she said. 

She smiled and went to the side of her comfortable bed and put her hand on the handle of her small suitcase. She pulled it to the edge of the mattress and then over and let the wheels land hard on the plush carpet. She pulled the telescopic handle up and was feeling very adult. She tilted the bag forward and began to march officially out into the long hallway. The wheels rolled along the shiny marble floor past the entrance to her parent’s suite and past the spare bedrooms. Then she got to the front area bathroom and finally all the way back to the kitchen.

Her father was already there with his carry-on bag. They had shipped a pile of home comforts to their destination four weeks ago when they committed to going. There was no need to pull everything around with them. They would only travel with carry-on luggage to streamline the journey.

Her mother came down the hall pulling her bag, with a soft leather backpack hanging from her other hand.

Then there were the three of them standing in the kitchen, equipped and organized and ready for the rideshare to pick them up for the ride to the airport.

His wife reached into her knapsack and pulled out a soft cloth packet with a neck loop attached to the top edge and a long lanyard hanging from the bottom.

She unzipped the package and checked inside. She squatted down to her daughter’s level and showed her the contents.

Passport and other ID. Her health plan card. Two Debit and Credit cards. Some cash in large bills.

The father watched, leaning against the gleaming granite countertop, arms crossed, head tilted slightly to one side, expression flat and grave.

The little girl took it all in, fascinated. She felt so adult! They were giving her all these necessary items, and she glowed in their attention and wanted to be taller than she was. She eagerly took the packet from her mom, put the strap around her thin neck, and slid it all down the front of her shirt just like mommy showed her last week. She sensed how the soft cloth distributed the weight of the documents on her chest. She reached up under her shirt and pulled the lanyard around her back and waist and around to the front again so she could clip the end of the lanyard to the little ring waiting for it on the side of the packet. She finished and stepped back, flattening the front of her shirt with the palm of her hand, proud as hell.

Both parents clapped and laughed.

Bravo! Well done! they cried.

Their little girl grinned and clapped with them and jumped up and down.

They all had a good laugh.

Then the young family had all their bags by the front door and the father looked down at his device.

Here in six minutes, he said.

He looked around the front of the property. They had made arraignments for home maintenance and groundskeeping. The pre-travel chores were complete.

They were ready to go. 

Not many people could afford a trip like this. Most people in their neighborhood would be staying put. They would stay and make the best of their lives and never travel anywhere.

They decided to lock up the house and wait outside. It was a beautiful spring evening. The sky promised to deliver a marvelous sunset.

He pressed the key into the lock and turned it. There was a solid click as the bolt slid into place. He saw the red lights of the security cameras around the property and looked at his wife and child standing in the softening light. The flowers and shrubs of the front gardens surrounded them in natural beauty. 

Every fiber of his being adored them.

They could see the big black Suburban making its slow turn onto their property far down the long driveway. It meandered along the graceful curve leading toward the front entrance and slowly came to a stop just past the tight trio of humans waiting there.

The driver hopped out of the driver’s side and came quickly around the back of the vehicle, opening the big double doors leading into the back as he moved towards the family and their bags.

Hello there! he chirped and gave a short wave and polite glance at both parents.

He was a tall young man in his early twenties wearing a dark navy blue suit and matching chauffeur’s cap. He smiled at the little girl as he took the handle of her mother and father’s suitcases.

Could you help me with that one? he asked the girl as he poked his chin in the direction of her small suitcase.

She beamed suddenly and came alive with a renewed sense of adult importance. She grabbed the handle of her bag and fell in line with the driver, following him across the brief divide to the back of the massive vehicle.

The tall boy closed both handles on the larger bags. He quickly flipped all three into the storage area. He turned and smiled at the girl, her eyes wide and expectant.

Thank you, he said with a flourish and gave her a toothy grin as he put his hand on the outside of the door.

Could you get that side, please?.

She flushed with the responsibility and carefully stepped back so she could reach around the door on her side to close it. It was so heavy! She had to reposition herself behind it and then push it in front of her. Suddenly it got a lot easier and closed with a thick and solid click. She felt delighted and turned to share this great event with her parents.

She had not seen the young man’s hand helping her close the heavy door with a discreet fingertip over the top.

She skipped back to her parents and saw their deep conversation interrupted by her approach. Her father and mother looked at each other briefly. Her father took his hand from her mother’s arm.

They both smiled fully at her.

Her father quickly walked past her to meet the driver on the other side of the vehicle. He had just secured the doors and watched the man approaching now.

Your daughter was a big help, he said pleasantly.

Thanks, said the man and then he stopped smiling.

He looked down the driveway and then looked back at the driver.

Let’s talk over there for a minute, he said softly.

The young man knew what it would be about and had his rehearsed answers ready.

They walked slowly together for thirty feet, then stopped at the man’s lead and both looked back at the vehicle. They could see the silhouette of his lovely wife inside and knew she was getting her daughter belted in securely.

Do you have a scheduled exit date? asked the father.

Four weeks.

Family?

No. I moved here for school and so it is just me.

Is that why you have to wait another four weeks?

Yes. And being under twenty-five with no kids. I may stay. It will be for my family if I go. It will be for me if I stay.

What are the roads like out near the airport?

Not bad because of the schedule. It is jam-packed. The authorities have it super well organized. All movement around the airport is corrected to ten-second increments.”

Do you have a sense of how far away they are?

I hear everything is still outside the eighty-mile radius. Most are still in the east.

Ok. Thanks.

He reached inside his jacket and handed the young driver a packet of $100 bills in a mustard-colored currency strap.

Ten grand, he said kindly. Maybe it will help you get your own driver next month.

He clapped the boy gently on the back and squeezed his shoulder.

Thank you, said the driver.

He put the money into his inside jacket pocket and then looked thoughtfully at the client standing in front of him.

Let’s go, said the gangly boy in the chauffeur’s outfit. I’ll get you guys there safely and on time.

He was good with his word and soon they had been dropped off at the correct entrance as designated on their departure documents. The young driver unloaded their bags and got them lined up for the first security clearance.

Before he left them he squatted down and extended his hand to the little girl. She was fully absorbed in all the tremendous lineups and people with their bags.

She had noticed a lot of other children in the crowd and wondered if any of them knew a secret code made from initials or the first letters of words. It seemed like there were kids everywhere.

The driver gently poked her arm with a fingertip and got her attention.

Her mouth flew open in a joyful grin and she understood what he was doing. She suddenly composed herself and took his hand in a dignified manner.

Her hand was so much smaller that it was completely enveloped in his palm. They shook hands such as it was.

Ma’am. It was nice meeting you, he said.

A slight hesitation on her part as she sorted out the best response.

Nice meeting you, she said firmly.

He smiled at her, then stood up and looked at her parents.

Sir. Thank you again, he said and firmly shook the other man’s hand.

Take care, said the man as he lay his left hand over the two that made their grip.

I will.

They let go and the young man nodded. He pressed his lips together in a flat smile and turned and left.

The little girl barely registered his departure. She was re-absorbed into the circus of activity around them.

Security went quickly. Everything seemed to go faster now. It was like the last of the sand leaving an hourglass.

And then they were done with the scanners and security and the wands. They put their shoes back on and got reoriented for the next step.

They gathered their luggage and followed the tunnels to the planes and steadily made their way with everyone else through the gangway and into the A380 airbus. More than eight hundred people streamed onto the aircraft, all in an orderly, calm fashion. They were without exception well dressed and well mannered, the cream of their society with beautiful children accompanying them.

The children chatted with each other as the lines moved forward. The parents asked about the news and what anyone else might know about the situation. Nobody knew more than they did.

A sharply uniformed and pregnant sky goddess ushered them to their seats with a glowing smile.

He had paid for premium window seats just ahead of the wing. They were superbly padded and clean and ready for the family nest.

The three of them pulled out their entertainments for the flight and put them in the front seat pockets. His pretty wife took the window seat and his daughter the middle. He put their bags in the overhead compartment and sat down and put on his seatbelt and checked his daughter’s. The clever child had already put it on and tightened it and loosened it and tightened it again.

He reached across his daughter and squeezed his wife’s thigh. She looked back at him with a combination of love and uneasy calm.

The pilot told them to prepare for takeoff. A few seconds later they felt the forward lurch of the aircraft as it taxied into position for launch. The high-pitched whine of the jet turbines filled the cabin as the engines reached full pressure and then the pilot released the brakes and the colossal machine began its race toward the sky.

The immense mass of the airplane moved slowly at first and then exponentially gained speed as fuel turned into power. It rolled faster down the tarmac and surpassed one hundred miles an hour.

Well over a million pounds of people and metal and human technical achievement roared along the runway. One hundred and fifty miles an hour. One hundred seventy.

Once it reached one hundred and ninety miles an hour the massive ark of humanity left the good earth and began its heavenly ascent into the magnificent evening sky.

The passengers were pressed hard into the back of their seats as the Airbus began its rapid climb and they all turned to look out the windows to watch the city fall away below them.

The scene looked like it had for all the years he and his wife had lived there. The palm trees lining the edge of the airport property swayed lazily in the spring breeze. The city was clean and orderly.

The sun had just set. The sky glowed a beautiful deep blue with streaks of pink and red. He took a deep breath and let out a slow sigh and looked across with longing at his lovely partner. He cherished his wonderful wife and mother of dear little girl daughter child.

The two young parents had done everything they were responsible for in getting onto the plane for this journey.

Now everything was out of their hands and so he allowed himself the briefest fragment of hope. He let his mind see a visual of the future just hours from now in a place of comfort and peace. 

But the aggressors had drawn closer than they knew.

They all saw the sudden flash from below.

The nose of the massive airliner began to tilt upward as the engines strained to maintain speed and the passengers realized they were in trouble. They could see and feel the orientation of the airframe moving rapidly from horizontal to vertical.

There was still enough forward pressure to keep people against their seats as they had a few seconds to absorb the true gravity of the situation.

The engines groaned and failed and the airplane stalled in a near-vertical posture and hesitated and then began descending backward towards the dense planet below and obediently increased speed in lockstep with the laws of physics.

All the lights in the cabin went out. At once the darkness was complete as hundreds of shrieking voices of panic filled the air.

He flung his right arm around the back of his little girl and felt his wife’s body with his hand and twisted his body to throw his left arm around his family.

He clutched at the air until it collided with her arm. Her hand found his and they were grabbing and pulling at each other with their daughter between them.

He heard a thought in the black chaos and his voice playing it out simultaneously.

I Love You! he bellowed into the infinite abyss. I Love You! I Love You!

The horrific noise of the airframe sliding back against the atmosphere kept increasing. The passengers’ screams were drowned out until the only other thing he could hear was his voice inside his head.

I Love You! I Love You!

The little girl had wondered what was happening when the seats in front of her began to rise above where she thought they should be.

But it was her first time flying and the whole thing had been a big adventure. Until then. Until the screaming began and then she was shocked and terrified and then enclosed in between the bodies of her mommy and daddy.

Confused and terrified but now distracted by the press of their flesh and their arms around her and each other and pulling tight maybe too tight no it could never be too close and there was daddy’s mouth near her ear. It was sharp in her ear within the roar and she could pick out his I Love You! words from the flesh of his lips. Her petite fingers clamped onto his shirt.

She raised her tiny voice into the fearful din while not really understanding what was going on. She could not hear her voice with her ears but she could inside her skull.

I Love You! the frightened child cried out over and over just like his heaving chest did.

The woman had kept her thoughts of hope at bay by obsessing on the packing and logistics of their voyage and had largely kept herself purposely ignorant of the news of war and creeping proximity.

The threat had been clear. Everyone in the world thought someone else would contain it and that their own best contribution should be to maintain normality and a continuation of whatever was to be continued.

As the darkness hit and the screaming started she felt her husband’s hand clawing at her back and answered with her own pushed behind her precious daughter and clutching her beloved husband’s shirt.

She turned hard to the left to reach across and met his flailing arm and pulled toward him with all her might just as weightlessness became a momentary norm.

She felt the pressure of her seatbelt across her lower ribs as the plane began its backward descent and kept her spinning mind busy thinking of her daughter and her comfort between them squeezing hard like a walnut shell, she thought.

You and I can be strong as a walnut shell and keep her safe within.

The louder sound around her was so total that nothing else could come in but he was already within.

The vibration of his voice against her arm and her brain deciphered the code for what it was.

I Love You! I Love You!

She could feel the suffocating voice of her sweet girl against her bosom.

I Love You! over and over.

As if in a dream.

The woman felt her voice against the palette of her mouth in a brief eternity of life and relief wailing aloud I Love You! again and I Love You! again and she was certain that they both knew her and her best affections.

He felt the pressure of the seat belt increasing against his waist and a small piece of his consciousness acknowledged that annihilation was so near but was always closer than you know anyways and the vast majority of his neurons remained actively firing with the soul objective of communication inside his sacred garden.

That little voice! Your voice too! I Love You! I Love You!

He gripped them both tightly now as their hi-tech coffin slid ever faster backward towards oblivion. He found a way to believe that it would be painless and everyone ends sooner or later and who gets to be so lucky in the arms of their loved ones telling them I Love You! and hearing their chorus any second now I Love You! I Love You!

And so that elemental unit of civilization enveloped themselves in the magical I Love You! bubble and kept pulling toward each other and singing their best immortal I Love You! music as they slipped back into the sleep that never ends I Love You!

Copyright © Peter R.T James